part deux: soul and body
2. science only goes so far, and then comes god. the concept of living is easily explained by dna, organs, and chemical reactions in the brain, but at one point we cannot account for love or soucit or sorrow. there are some things that chemistry of the brain cannot explain away for me.
3. remembering that our DNA is inherited from our family makes it difficult to see the face as a carnal impression of the soul. we like to believe that I am I, an individual and unique expression of self, and when our face becomes a picture of that self, we can no longer see ourselves as part of the masses. although she wished her mother's features away, reality says they are still so. our face repeated throughout generations means that we are never truly alone.
5. she lost everything? her beauty and her youth passed away, and this is everything. and what can now be said of the world culture of womanhood that these things are everything, and the loss of them constitutes a loss of dignity, of individuality, of soul.
7. if she was indeed a continuation of the people who came before her, the people who influenced her life and raised her soul, a Nurture not a Nature, then so must everyone only be a continuation: a transfer of personality trait from one person to another. we are all a great compilation of different parts of different people. but. on the other hand, we may take the puzzle pieces dropped for us, and bend and cut them into appropriate shapes to fit in with other puzzle pieces we have picked up around town as well. we grow a few pieces ourselves, and maybe at times realize they are ones we want to discard for good, and thus our Self comes together in its imperfect clarity.
8. "And so the man who called to her was..." magic. this is what it means to find a soulmate. to want to be better for someone else, to have a desire to be yourself, even if you've never known yourself before. and so i thank the boy who made the call for all hands up on my deck.
9. if one looks at something for purely-by-chance circumstances, it is not just as easy to look at it as 'this chanced to happen,' as, 'it could have easily not'? what makes it one way or another? "chance and chance alone has a message for us." call it divine intervention, call it chance, call it accident, call it what you will: but do things happen for a reason? they must. there must be some cosmic juggling game, and when the two things happen, they happen because they are pulled together.
11. "it is wrong, then, to decide..." this is true. i recall all the little seemingly random, though noteworthy occurances of my life, and many, if written down as a story, seem very novelesque and trite. but they occur more often than one recalls. and we do take notice of things pertaining to what we find beautiful or important to us. and they happen so much to her because she was looking for them. trying to find a way to force life to make sense, give her a sign, show her the way out. she believed that one symbol could have a million repercussions and return again and again. and these returnings had such a meaning as to warrant notice and response in her life. for what is the purpose of beauty but to change us? to create meaning and import out of an otherwise transient world? to connect the beauty our body recognizes with important events that our soul appreciates.
13. "sensuality is..." it is what i feel when i can tell that every nerve of my body, from my brain down to my fingertips, is reaching out toward you. picking up every move you make. every world you utter. every expression in your glance and the move of your hand and the turn of your head. and i indulge my appreciation of your senses, and my senses sensing yours. but she screamed because she had to force him to be near her, had to positively ensure that all his senses were directed toward her needy frame. sensual, but forced.
14. it often takes one thing to bring a person's soul up to the deck of their body, to make the crew of the soul fight for life to save the sinking ship. but it cannot always rely on the thunder or the wind to keep the crew up. if they do not find a way to be motivated to staying up on their own accord, the absense of the great instigator will cause once again the soul to begin to disappear. thankfully, it is inevitable that at least gradually anything of beauty or ay import to the soul will call all hands on deck as loudly and with as much force and clarity as the original.
15. it is what we all want--to be unique and to be loved for our uniqueness. that is why being a sex symbol or an object is never fulfilling: your body is used for the way that it is the same as all other womens' bodies. it is the love of someone's soul that brings the most joy. and it is only those who have given up on the dream of their soul that find any satisfaction, because then they are being appreciated at all.
16a. he sees beauty as something that is not fogotten, as well as something that creates import in coinciding aspects of our lives.
16b. what does it mean that i do not dream? that i have no imagination? that my body cannot, or will not, imagine or communicate or create or anything? or that they aren't beautiful or memorable creations? the dreams i do recall are (or were) either lovely or terrifying, or beautifully and fascinatingly terrifying. so i only imagine that all dreams are this way. but perhaps only the dreams i obviously can remember hold any importance in life. maybe that's why i'm so good at creating daydreams--because being subconscious won't do it.
18. i once almost had vertigo. right after i finished almost being anorexic. a cry to be noticed. sometimes it was real. i would really feel the world spinning around me and cry my body needed to learn and fell over. but it was contrived. most of the time i convinced myself that i was falling. not ever a conscious choice, but a real need to become the most important person in the room. so i would lean over, put my head between my hands, and make a show out of falling to my [over] benefit, nobody ever caught me. so my epidemic sorted itself out and my soul took control of my body, righting myself before i capsized.
20. i don't want to be afraid of breaking open that canvas anymore. i want to take a finger to the small hole, pick it open, pry the layers off, and climb inside to figure out what the real of existence is. things aren't always as they seem. daily events and recordable happenings are, in fact, reality, but there's something beyond reality that is crucial to an appropriate understanding of the world, and that is the way that reality is applied. what people do in certain situations, what was the cause behind them, where else our options lie. living on the surface, life is easy. things happen, and you respond in a programmed way. but living a few layers down opens up more opportunity for success and failure and pain and love and every emotion imaginable, and a few that haven't been invented yet.
24. what does war have to do with nudity? i don't know. i can see the similarities in regards to the human body used for lust: the desecration of the organic soul and body, the cheapening of life and personality, all disregard for unique and individual, for choices and agency, for living and loving. but i don't know anything else.
26. i'm afraid of being weak. those pauses in dubcek's speech, the sadness of the people in the streets, the fear behind her eyes, my own heart murmurs, the pit in my stomach every night when the world goes to sleep...i hate that. but i think i learned too late the terror behind weakness, and now it's harder to guard against emotion. she went to her comfort zone: falling with fear and hiding with weakness. as long as it's possible to stave off vulnerability, it's much easier to fake it through life under the pretense of strength and confidence. but once the feelings begin to flow, there's almost no hope. and you find yourself falling. and that's the terrible thing about weakness: you don't know how far you're going to go down the rabbit hole. the reason she wanted him weak was so that he could fall with her. she envied those at the top and since she couldn't be with them, she wanted all them to come to her.
there are indisputable ties between everything around us. to and from each other, ourselves, our environment, our destiny...sometimes those ties are broken. often we are cut loose from our anchors and hope our homing beacons work.
2. science only goes so far, and then comes god. the concept of living is easily explained by dna, organs, and chemical reactions in the brain, but at one point we cannot account for love or soucit or sorrow. there are some things that chemistry of the brain cannot explain away for me.
3. remembering that our DNA is inherited from our family makes it difficult to see the face as a carnal impression of the soul. we like to believe that I am I, an individual and unique expression of self, and when our face becomes a picture of that self, we can no longer see ourselves as part of the masses. although she wished her mother's features away, reality says they are still so. our face repeated throughout generations means that we are never truly alone.
5. she lost everything? her beauty and her youth passed away, and this is everything. and what can now be said of the world culture of womanhood that these things are everything, and the loss of them constitutes a loss of dignity, of individuality, of soul.
7. if she was indeed a continuation of the people who came before her, the people who influenced her life and raised her soul, a Nurture not a Nature, then so must everyone only be a continuation: a transfer of personality trait from one person to another. we are all a great compilation of different parts of different people. but. on the other hand, we may take the puzzle pieces dropped for us, and bend and cut them into appropriate shapes to fit in with other puzzle pieces we have picked up around town as well. we grow a few pieces ourselves, and maybe at times realize they are ones we want to discard for good, and thus our Self comes together in its imperfect clarity.
8. "And so the man who called to her was..." magic. this is what it means to find a soulmate. to want to be better for someone else, to have a desire to be yourself, even if you've never known yourself before. and so i thank the boy who made the call for all hands up on my deck.
9. if one looks at something for purely-by-chance circumstances, it is not just as easy to look at it as 'this chanced to happen,' as, 'it could have easily not'? what makes it one way or another? "chance and chance alone has a message for us." call it divine intervention, call it chance, call it accident, call it what you will: but do things happen for a reason? they must. there must be some cosmic juggling game, and when the two things happen, they happen because they are pulled together.
11. "it is wrong, then, to decide..." this is true. i recall all the little seemingly random, though noteworthy occurances of my life, and many, if written down as a story, seem very novelesque and trite. but they occur more often than one recalls. and we do take notice of things pertaining to what we find beautiful or important to us. and they happen so much to her because she was looking for them. trying to find a way to force life to make sense, give her a sign, show her the way out. she believed that one symbol could have a million repercussions and return again and again. and these returnings had such a meaning as to warrant notice and response in her life. for what is the purpose of beauty but to change us? to create meaning and import out of an otherwise transient world? to connect the beauty our body recognizes with important events that our soul appreciates.
13. "sensuality is..." it is what i feel when i can tell that every nerve of my body, from my brain down to my fingertips, is reaching out toward you. picking up every move you make. every world you utter. every expression in your glance and the move of your hand and the turn of your head. and i indulge my appreciation of your senses, and my senses sensing yours. but she screamed because she had to force him to be near her, had to positively ensure that all his senses were directed toward her needy frame. sensual, but forced.
14. it often takes one thing to bring a person's soul up to the deck of their body, to make the crew of the soul fight for life to save the sinking ship. but it cannot always rely on the thunder or the wind to keep the crew up. if they do not find a way to be motivated to staying up on their own accord, the absense of the great instigator will cause once again the soul to begin to disappear. thankfully, it is inevitable that at least gradually anything of beauty or ay import to the soul will call all hands on deck as loudly and with as much force and clarity as the original.
15. it is what we all want--to be unique and to be loved for our uniqueness. that is why being a sex symbol or an object is never fulfilling: your body is used for the way that it is the same as all other womens' bodies. it is the love of someone's soul that brings the most joy. and it is only those who have given up on the dream of their soul that find any satisfaction, because then they are being appreciated at all.
16a. he sees beauty as something that is not fogotten, as well as something that creates import in coinciding aspects of our lives.
16b. what does it mean that i do not dream? that i have no imagination? that my body cannot, or will not, imagine or communicate or create or anything? or that they aren't beautiful or memorable creations? the dreams i do recall are (or were) either lovely or terrifying, or beautifully and fascinatingly terrifying. so i only imagine that all dreams are this way. but perhaps only the dreams i obviously can remember hold any importance in life. maybe that's why i'm so good at creating daydreams--because being subconscious won't do it.
18. i once almost had vertigo. right after i finished almost being anorexic. a cry to be noticed. sometimes it was real. i would really feel the world spinning around me and cry my body needed to learn and fell over. but it was contrived. most of the time i convinced myself that i was falling. not ever a conscious choice, but a real need to become the most important person in the room. so i would lean over, put my head between my hands, and make a show out of falling to my [over] benefit, nobody ever caught me. so my epidemic sorted itself out and my soul took control of my body, righting myself before i capsized.
20. i don't want to be afraid of breaking open that canvas anymore. i want to take a finger to the small hole, pick it open, pry the layers off, and climb inside to figure out what the real of existence is. things aren't always as they seem. daily events and recordable happenings are, in fact, reality, but there's something beyond reality that is crucial to an appropriate understanding of the world, and that is the way that reality is applied. what people do in certain situations, what was the cause behind them, where else our options lie. living on the surface, life is easy. things happen, and you respond in a programmed way. but living a few layers down opens up more opportunity for success and failure and pain and love and every emotion imaginable, and a few that haven't been invented yet.
24. what does war have to do with nudity? i don't know. i can see the similarities in regards to the human body used for lust: the desecration of the organic soul and body, the cheapening of life and personality, all disregard for unique and individual, for choices and agency, for living and loving. but i don't know anything else.
26. i'm afraid of being weak. those pauses in dubcek's speech, the sadness of the people in the streets, the fear behind her eyes, my own heart murmurs, the pit in my stomach every night when the world goes to sleep...i hate that. but i think i learned too late the terror behind weakness, and now it's harder to guard against emotion. she went to her comfort zone: falling with fear and hiding with weakness. as long as it's possible to stave off vulnerability, it's much easier to fake it through life under the pretense of strength and confidence. but once the feelings begin to flow, there's almost no hope. and you find yourself falling. and that's the terrible thing about weakness: you don't know how far you're going to go down the rabbit hole. the reason she wanted him weak was so that he could fall with her. she envied those at the top and since she couldn't be with them, she wanted all them to come to her.
there are indisputable ties between everything around us. to and from each other, ourselves, our environment, our destiny...sometimes those ties are broken. often we are cut loose from our anchors and hope our homing beacons work.
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